uneasy

Right now, I feel like I'm having a panic attack, or the nearest thing to one.

I just feel so uneasy about nothing, or more precisely, about doing nothing when I'm supposed to be working on too many things at the same time. Don't get me wrong--I did start on the last piece of the Tambayan Complex maps, the left side one, but midway the feeling surges. So I stop.

The most I've wished for is that I can physically get rid of the feeling by vomiting.

To pass the time and wear out the sick feeling, I try to make mental lists of what to do. Know that there are too many items to be drawn for game/thesis, but there's no urgency still. Watch a rerun of a TV documentary on an epic gas pipe leak that obliterated a major thoroughfare during rush hour in a major city in Mexico. In between I text him over in-game politics, about a server merge of a game I barely played and decide to write (during this sentence I get interrupted by a command by mom to open the lights in my bedroom, or more appropriately, the cats' room, because they're wailing like hell. My grandfather echoes her--which brings the total number of the times he told me to do that to around 4 or 5, but I was so busy earlier that I didn't follow--and so I snap on my way up to the room. When I get back down, mom orders me to say sorry, which I follow, in the typical insincere way that kids do when faced with the infallability of a mother. To avoid any such moments again I grab my headphones and play rock music loud).

Mom told me earlier this is just fatigue; after all, I had a make-up class from 9am to 1pm earlier. She forgets that deadlines do not understand that concept. Nor does the real world.

And I don't understand how I can be so tired when I've done, in my opinion, barely nothing. I know what to do, and as far as I know, I have no reason to fear continuing my work. So why am I not moving on?

I go back and write, to make sense out of it all.